Equilibrium

I have mixed feelings about almost everything in my life right now. I don't like this. I want to either like something or not like something. Be happy or be sad about something. Want something or not want something. Or at least if I want something and get it, not feel guilty about what I wanted and recieved.

I am a woman of extremes. Somewhere, somehow, I learned to see life in black and white. I'm not sure how to balance everything out. I know the Universe wants balance to sustain our being. The signs and answers of how to reach equilibrium are probably at our fingertips. If only we'd pay attention. And care.

Native Americans use the medicine wheel as a tool to strike balance and continue the circle of life. I hope to learn something from them, because whatever I'm doing now, isn't working for me.

Timing Destiny?

Perfect timing? Strange timing? Is everything about timing? You know, our lives could end if we were simply in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Or, we stumble upon serendipity and great things happen thereafter. Is the Universe aware of our existence, one person in this enormous world? Is she watching after us and playing destiny with our lives? Or is it all timing?

Found: Fabricated Nature?

RCH

After five years of doing this work, I just now realized we have one of the strangest jobs on Earth.

Your Spot

http://www.findyourspot.com.

This site is fun. You take an extensive survey and it compiles a list of 24 U.S. cities that fit your lifestyle/what you're looking for. It also gives you information and photos of each city. I belong in Oregon or California. Imagine that!

My top 20 cities:

Eugene, Oregon

Corvallis, Oregon

Charleston, West Virginia

Fredrick, Maryland

Cape Cod, Mass

Kailua-Kona, Hawaii

Portland, Oregon

Salem, Oregon

Baltimore, Maryland

Valencia, California

Santa Barbara, California

Champaign-Urbana, Illinois

Medfored, Oregon

Bend, Oregon

Santa Cruz, California

Ventura, California

Gaithersburg, Maryland

Danbury, Connecticut

Palo Alto, Cali

San Bernadino, Cali

Honolulu, Hawaii

Shooped De Duped

I'm not sure if I'm being duped. My analytical skills are so often "too analytical" and my intuition is usually right on. Must. be. careful.

Marj in the Opera House

Lastnight I went to my friend Marjorie's voice lesson. She sings opera and is quite phenomenal. She is a soprano and it amazes me that a human voice can reach such a high pitch without their voice cracking or being lost in the process. I don't have a "trained" opera ear, but I know that she is one of the best singers I've heard. Hands down. Last year, I attended two of her recitals and was in complete awe of her. She has such incredible stage presence and her voice was, in my opinion, the best up on that stage. She is so passionate about her art and it shows when she performs. I think she is going to do great things with her talent. She and her teacher were talking about stecato (sp?) and all these foreign-sounding words. It was fascinating to hear them talk opera and music notes and listen to her teacher critique and give feedback. That takes alot of self-assurance to stand in front of someone, sing your best, and then have them critique you. I give mad props to Marjorie. She is such a wonderful friend and we don't see one another often enough. We had wine and ports and dessert lastnight, after her lesson and talked about life. It was so great. I love my life in Chicago. I thought I would never say that.

Foreshadow

About a week ago, Nate, the character from "Six Feet Under", and a girl from my high school, Beth, appeared in one of my dreams. My friend Andrea was present also. Beth, whom in "real life" I have never had a conversation with or was friends with, just simply a girl in the halls, wanted to date Nate. I can't remember the details too much, but I know that, in my dream, I wanted to date Nate, but he liked her.

Anyway, the reason why I find this such a significant dream is because I woke up and I was asking myself "Why the hell was this Beth girl in my dream?" I hadn't seen her for probably seven years, and she was never apart of my life. A couple days later I was on a plane, commuting from Chicago to Omaha. I look over and guess who is sitting in the aisle across from me?

Beth.

I had to do a double take because I was floored that she was sitting there. But it was her. It was one of those situations where I wanted to say something to her, but I thought she would find it a little creepy that I tell her she was in my dream the other night. I don't know if she even knows/remembers who I am.

I told Gabriel about it and he said "You two were meant to meet. You should have said something to her." And I agree. It was so strange. Maybe I'll see her in the future and be able to find some answers as to why she was so present in my dream. And then sitting 5 feet away from me a couple of days later. Maybe it's a coincidence? But my dreams have foreshadowed in the past, so maybe there's more to it.

Resistance

My arrest. Coming soon.......

Emergency

Code Red.

Edgewater

I love my neighborhood. I love it more and more everyday. The buildings are absolutely beautiful and the little shops and restaurants make it feel like a small town at times. I hope it stays this way forever. Like all other Chicago neighborhoods, Edgewater is becoming gentrified. I don't want to see the little guys go down and be replaced with Chipotle's and Gaps and Pottery Barnes. I would cry and probably start a protest. I've lived here for most of my time in Chicago, omitting the short time I lived in the Goldcoast, which is too vanilla and snobbish for my working class taste.

I decided that my favorite building in CHicago is right across the street from us. I guess it used to be an old ballroom and was converted into living spaces. All I know is that whoever lives there has got to have some cashflow. In no way do the photos below do the building justice, but I think you'll be able to see just how beautiful it is.

















This pink building is one of the best in Chicago. I believe it's Gabriel's fave in all of Chicago:




















Here is an old, abandoned house that I am fascinated with:














The Avenue just south of my apartment:











If I "settle" in Chicago I mos def want to live in this neighborhood.

Theory On Obsessive Thinking

Am I a passionate person, or am I obsessive?

I'm seeing patterns in my life. I get really "into" something or someone, and can't stop thinking about it/them. This is apparent in my current "I can't fucking get over my break-up" and with my fundamentalist feminist take on the world. I can see my feminist beliefs and everything I've practiced and loved slowly dwindling away. I mean, I still believe that we live in a sexist, classist, racist, ageist, etc. world, but I'm tired of thinking about it, tired of trying to change things, and tired of it interfering with personal relationships. I think apart of it is that I think and think and think about these sociopolitical issues, and I don't express them verbally. Perhaps my obsessive thinking would change if I expressed my thoughts in different ways?

A few years ago, I was really into politics. I even went so far as to join the International Socialist Organization. I was very naive back then, and joined without really understanding what a socialist was. Luckily, I got out of it, but somewhere on a 4 X 6 piece of paper there is my signature saying that I am apart of them. I hope they threw it away. Or, one of their agents probably gave it to the CIA to place in my files. Ha. Anyway, my point being, I got "into" something again, went a little overboard with it, and now politics is just a game to me.

It's been seven years since I've been out of the ED hospital. That time in my life also illustrates my obsessive patterns. I wanted to be thin, and so went to extremes. Now, I can't imagine my life without nourishment. That sounds a little silly, but sometimes I wonder if EDs are simply obseesive thinking.

And then there are the people in my life. If I have conflict with anyone, I will think about it until my brain wants to explode into pieces. THis is probably why I avoid any conflict - I don't want it to take up my limited brain space.

And then there is dancing. Once I start dancing, I don't want to stop. This isn't a bad thing at all, just a point in case. This is with working out my hot body too. I have to do it everyday if I get into the habit.

I don't know what the future holds for me. My mind is going a million miles a minute, and I don't think it's ever going to shut the fuck up. But when I am truthful with myself, I know that I like the way I think, even if it is obsessive. It might not sound fun to the average person, but it makes me who I am.

Ok, enough about me. Let's talk about me. Ha.

Living Dreams

I think I'm watching too much "Six Feet Under".

Lastnight I had a dream about life: The time that passes, people we've loved dying, babies we know growing older, and coming to terms with lost lovers and friends.

I was in a house. I didn't recognize the place, but my aunt Kellie, my grandfather Leonard, and my sister Michaela were present. My grandfather slipped and fell, cracking his head open. He was unconscious and I called an ambulance. A male voice on the other end told me that they would be there in ten minutes. I told him that ten minutes was too long to wait. As I was on the phone, I kept looking at a clock on the wall. First it was 1:15, a second later it was 1:25, then I looked again and it was 1:40. I didn't know the address where we were, and looked all over the walls to find it. Any number I found was indicepherable. My aunt was trying to help me find the address. There were numbers painted on the wall, but they were too tall and curvey, and hidden behind some vertical blinds. My sister was present, but she was not involved. She was walking in and out of the chaos. If I remember correctly, my grandfather awoke and my aunt reassured me he was ok.

The next part of the dream involved me standing at the corner of a street. I used to cross this particular street when walking to elementary school in Omaha. The street is called Harrison, and I have had numerous dreams where I am either standing or traveling on this street. It's strange because there is a graveyard on this street, As a child I was fascinated by one of the tall graves with a stone man atop it. Anyway, as I was standing on this corner, the one year old I have been watching lately (in "real life") was in her stroller, her mother was pushing her across the street. I asked them if they were finding everything ok and baby Emma looked like a five year old. Her hair was long and she was wearing a nice flowered dress. She smiled at me, but didn't want me to hold her like she usually does.

I woke up after this, to answer a hotline call. I called my sister for comfort and then fell back into a slumber. The next dream was about the loss of relationships.

I have no idea where this dream took place, but a friend of mine from high school was there. She confided in me that she likes my ex boyfriend. I told her he was in a relationship, so it probably wouldn't work out. She told me to call him and ask him if he liked her, so I did. His answer was very vague and I told her that. She said she was going to go after him anyway.

This dream is very significant because it reflects an event that really did happen in "real life". Yesterday, I was thinking about how I healed from hurtful situations in high school, and I started thinking about this particular friend. She had started talking with a guy whom I had made out with, and whom I so ignorantly developed a crush on. That was my first taste of betrayal in friendship. I was very strong back then, not that I'm not now, but I was young and hadn't lived life but fifteen years. I set the situation aside and was ok with it. I wasn't going to let it get me down. I'm not sure if I could do that now, as my emotions tend to override any rational side when it comes to love relationships.

I love dreams. They are very telling of our lives and can predict the future if we pay close attention. I used to have numerous dreams, at least seven, that my boyfriend left me for another person. And guess how it ended? You got it. My sister also had a dream that he slept with a friend I grew up with. I hadn't spoken with her in years. After the break-up, guess who contacted me and has been a great source of healing for me? This particular friend that my sister dreamt about.

Strange.

Hermit

You are the Hermit card. The Hermit has chosen a solitary spiritual path. He shines light on his inner self and, by this means, gains wisdom. The Hermit's home is the natural world and it is by being in tune with that world that he learns the laws of nature and learn how they operate within himself. His path is a lonely one as he lives in silence and has for companionship only his own internal rhythms. But those crossing his path are touched by his light and wisdom. Though often alone, he manages nevertheless to instruct those who meet him and guides those who chose to follow him on a path towards enlightenment. Image from The Aleister Crowley Tarot deck.

Lost. Won't Be Found.

Lost music:

Breathe Me - Sia
Hurt - Nine Inch Nails
Disarm - Smashing Pumpkins
Silent Alarm - Bloc Party
Untitled 4 - Sigur Ros
Untitled 6 - Sigur Ros
Running up that Hill - Placebo (Kate Bush cover)
Everytime It Rains - Charlotte Martin
First of the Month - Bone Thugs N' Harmony
Nutshell - Alice In Chains
Burn - Usher
Loro - Pinback
Concerning the UFO - Sufjan Stevens

Burnt Bridge

He said: I don't want to burn bridges with you.

She said: This bridge has been burning for months now, and it's pretty much in ashes on the ground. Now, bridges can be re-built, but I think ours would be likened to The Brooklyn Bridge. Then you would probably end up selling it, and I would probably be the buyer.

Scarlet Geranium

Lie down. Breath slowly. Feel your body mitigate into relaxion and ease, let it become one with your mind. Close your eyes. Let the quiet surroundings sweep you into a placid slumber.

She walks into a garden. The rays of sunlight hit her silky skin. Her flowing white dress grazes her legs as the gentle wind penetrates every pour on her body. Her long, curly hair brushes her bare back while her feet dance on the florescent dew. The canopy of trees cast shadows over the green earth as the sun gently nudges between the shade to feed and smile at the flourishing daisies. She stops to soak up the beauty that presents itself from the brambles of the downy soil. She crouches to pick a violet heather. It sways in her small delicate hand, the velvet petals open to whisper secrets of love and harmony. She listens. She lets it fall gently to the ground, watching it fly freely back to its home.

She walks to the opalescent gazeebo. She brushes her fingers along the smooth ridges of the opening and imagines herself sitting with an old lover. She closes her eyes and remembers.

At the edge of the gazeebo, a cradle of magnolias sit and sunbathe atop fresh soil. The smell of rain and new life permeates her senses, and her perfect surroundings envelope every inch of her body. This garden is her temple.

She hears a child laughing from a distant. She can not dicepher exactly where the rejoicing voice is coming from, but her heart swells in bliss. The laughter becomes louder, and is that of a little girl. She hears pure wisdom in the child's glee.

A shadow accompanies the approaching laughter, and moves in and out of the towering trees. It runs free, stopping in the midst of laughter to pick flowers.

The shadow transcends into a real human body, the laughter so alive and real now. The child runs toward her, a bushel of scarlet geraniums bundled in her arms. She continues to laugh; she is happy, and loving every minute of life. The woman recognizes this wise soul appraoching her; it is her when she was three years old. Her younger self looks up and her blue eyes express love, hope, and comfort. She picks her up and hugs her. She cradles her youthful self for a minute, remembering innocence and the strength it brought. "I love you." She sets her back down, and her mind floods with nostalgia. The child hands her the geraniums and smiles. "These are for you." Her little nose twitches and her blue eyes twinkle. "I can bring more whenever you'd like." She looks down at her new gift. "Thank you."

The child turns toward the gazeebo and prances through it. The sun glows off of her small back, manifesting an aura of peace. She disappears under the canopy of trees, skipping and laughing.

Alone again, the woman looks down at the geraniums. A gust of wind picks up and blows her hair over her eyes. She smiles. "I can bring more whenever you'd like," she remembers. At that moment, she knew she would never be lonely and afraid ever again. The child she once was, will always be with her, to guide her, love her, and nourish her.

Mind and Body

I've been philosophizing about the connect/disconnect between my mind and body:

I've noticed it more and more everyday, especially when I feel attracted to someone. If I feel emotionally and intellectually attracted to someone, I tend to shy away from any body contact. And when I am really physically attracted to another, I close down emotionally and intellectually. In my last relationship, we had a very strong sexual connection, and once it started getting serious, I chose to not show myself to him.

This also is apparent in my struggles with eating disorders. For years, I was recovering from both anorexia and bulimia. I turned myself inside out - I was trying to control what was going on in my head by transforming my body into something unattainable.

I've been taking the anti-depressant Zoloft. And though my depression has subsided a bit, my body has taken on new challenges: I can't achieve orgasm, my stomach is upset all the time, and I don't eat as much as I used to. With one drink of alcohol, I feel very giddy and silly. I realize Zoloft isn't "natural" and often wonder if it's setting me up for long term problems, both physically and mentally speaking. It is altering the chemicals in my brain, so that is a physical side effect, but those chemical changes are also supposed to make me "feel better." There, I can connect the two and see how they work together. Which brings me to see that I do other things physically that help me mentally:

*I dance to forget
*I drink to forget
*I work out to decrease my anxiety
*I put on make-up to feel good about myself
*I call people who care too much about their physical appearance "shallow." The definition of shallowness I am speaking of is: Lacking depth of intellect, emotion, or knowledge.
*We sleep to function and think
*My blood boils when I'm angry
*My heart sinks when I'm sad
*I feel like I will vomit when I see someone I don't want to see
*I laugh when I'm happy
*I smile when I adore something/someone
*We hug and kiss to show our love to friends and family
*We fuck to let our partner know we love them
*We fuck because we are lonely
*When someone betrays us, we get physically sick
*We view beauty as physical, rather than mental.
And so on.


I've always thought the mind and body rely on one another - if you're not healthy in one aspect, you most likely won't be healthy in the other. It certainly baffles my mind when I analyze the connect/disconnect of the mind and body, and perhaps the soul. Maybe with interpersonal relationships there is a disconnect, and with myself there is a connection. That intrigues me. And also scares the wits out of me.

American Doll Posse

One of the greatest joys in my life is discovering Tori’s new music: listening for days upon days, doing nothing else but letting it grow on me. It’s like a love affair. I let the creative forces penetrate my mind, both intellectually and emotionally.

I decided to review ADP for a couple reasons. One, I think it’s a brilliant album – one of her best, both lyrically and conceptually. Because she lives in Cornwall, England, many people have criticized her for writing an album that takes a closer look at America, and what it has become. But I say those critics are missing something important: that it’s easier to see things going awry when we are on the outside looking in. Her music has significance and value. If we listen up, we might find some answers to our own questions.

The other reason I want to review it is simply because I just want to.

Yo George: An anti-hosanna to King George W. Bush. The lyrics are alright. The piano accommodates it well. The best line is the last one: “You have the nation on all fours.”

Big Wheel: This song is contagious. I found myself telling people that I’m an M-I-L-F and got some raised eyebrows. Who the hell has the idiosyncratic ability to countdown from eight and then proclaim that she’s a MILF? Only Ms. Amos, that’s who. Anyway, the song is fun and poppy. And what she’s saying is intense. My own interpretation is that she’s theorizing about the state of The Church – that it’s a business and The Big Wheels (the leaders) will continue their deception and fake promises. She taps into womanhood and how it fits into the religious sects. Or rather, that women don’t fit in at all, and they don’t want us there. Her MILFhood saves her. The church doesn’t.

Bouncing Off Clouds: A bittersweet song. Very radio-friendly and poppy, which she should have made her first single. It’s about love, relationships, and the loss of both. This song reminds me that we can be free even if we’ve lost something that we wish to find again. We can make it easy.

Teenage Hustling: An ass-kicker. I asked Gabe what he thinks the song is about and he said “Britney and them”. That makes sense. I also think she’s looking at the music industry as a whole, and what they do to pop stars. The power they have over their money-makers is incredible. Once the stars get to a certain age, say 30, they’ll be dumped on their ass and the music industry will find another teenager to exploit and profit from their body and “talentless trash”.

Digital Ghost: After the first four songs, this one is a little bit of a snooze. Her ballads tend to make me press the “forward” button. I just don’t like slow songs unless they are really intense and sad. Digital Ghost, however, has an interesting message: that the technological advances of the world can really isolate us and be very detrimental to our emotional well-being.

You Can Bring Your Dog: Hot dog! This song is sexy as hell. It makes me want to strip and jump in bed with some hot lad/lady. “Please me! Bring your love.” Haha, enough said.

Mr. Bad Man: This song is disastrous. I haven’t even given it the time of day. It’s the one part of the whole that I can’t stand. You know, like a human. There are so many characteristics you can love about someone, but there is that one thing that annoys you to death. Mr. Bad Man annoys me.

Fat Slut: Um, very glam-rock?

Girl Disappearing: Another snoozer, but the strings are beautiful. Lyrically, it’s incredible and what she’s exploring is very deep and complex. It’s reminiscent of her Under the Pink concept.

Secret Spell: So many people have criticized this song. It’s actually one of my favorites. The chorus is what gets me- the arrangement of lyrics with the piano, drums, and guitar is pretty unbelievable. The lyrics make me nostalgic and sad. But it’s a good sad; the sad that we all feel when we think about life and everything we’ve seen and heard.

Devils and Gods: I love the ukulele.

Body and Soul: Yum-me!! This song is hot. The electric guitar and percussion make this song so damn fierce. And the chorus. Oooooooo wee. “Come and kneel with me Body and Soul.” I know Jesus Christ is dancing to this one.

Father’s Son: Eh, another ballad. Next.

Programmable Soda: Fun. Zebra-esque. The lyrics are a little enigmatic, but that’s Tori for ya.

Code Red: I loved this song right away. It’s quintessential Tori….if there is such a thing. The piano is dark, the lyric arrangement is perfect and she layers them at the right time. This song definitely strikes the emotions. I’m sure all the long-time “ears with feet” appreciate this track more than any other on the album. My fave line “What you stole I would have given freely.”

Roosterspur Bridge: I think this is the bridge that connects Jamaica Inn to Ireland. Next.

Beauty of Speed: This grew on me. It was the first song I illegally downloaded and I wasn’t impressed, but know it’s on my top 5 list; probably because it’s a very timely song for myself. I want to meet the Beauty of Speed. Read the lyrics. If you’ve lost something, I think you’ll want to meet her too.

Almost Rosey: Another one that I had to give some time and patience to. I thought the beginning was cheesy as hell: uh uh uh, hey hey hey….I personally don’t like it when Tori does things like that. But after getting through hooha, the song is brilliant. It probably has the best lyrics on the album; the layering of them makes the song what it is. It’s a hopeful one. I bet this one is great live.

Velvet Revolution: The mandolin is perfect. This song should have been way longer than it is. It’s not even a song, it’s one of those so-called “interludes.”

Dark Side of The Sun: I don’t think of this as an Anti-war anthem, but more of a Pro-peace piece. She’s not saying anything new, but when one creates music about the atrocities of war, it gets under your skin a little more than usual. “Brush back my tears and he said “girl, we have to soldier on even when we don’t feel strong.” We are trapped in this war, into darkness, and she is pointing that out. I like how she says sun. So oy oy oy n . Her voice gets raspy too. Love it.

Posse Bonus: Kind of cute, yet kind of dumb.

Smokey Joe: Interesting because Pip I and Pip II sing different lines in the song, and then they sing together. I have to read the lyrics closer to really grasp the meaning of this piece. If this song were a color, it would be black with some gray splatters.

Dragon: Intelligent story telling here. It’s a love song; not love as between two people, but the love that might save all of us from destruction. The floodgates opened when I saw that children’s choir (PS22?) sing this song with Tori present. How precious.

I’m done. I’m not going to include bonus tracks Miracle, Drive All Night, or My Posse Can Do because I haven’t listened to them much.

Quest For?

I can't seem to find any answers. I've been searching and searching for something. Anything. But I just can't find it. Do you think it's because I don't even know what I'm searching for?