Thursday, May 24, 2007

Theory On Obsessive Thinking

Am I a passionate person, or am I obsessive?

I'm seeing patterns in my life. I get really "into" something or someone, and can't stop thinking about it/them. This is apparent in my current "I can't fucking get over my break-up" and with my fundamentalist feminist take on the world. I can see my feminist beliefs and everything I've practiced and loved slowly dwindling away. I mean, I still believe that we live in a sexist, classist, racist, ageist, etc. world, but I'm tired of thinking about it, tired of trying to change things, and tired of it interfering with personal relationships. I think apart of it is that I think and think and think about these sociopolitical issues, and I don't express them verbally. Perhaps my obsessive thinking would change if I expressed my thoughts in different ways?

A few years ago, I was really into politics. I even went so far as to join the International Socialist Organization. I was very naive back then, and joined without really understanding what a socialist was. Luckily, I got out of it, but somewhere on a 4 X 6 piece of paper there is my signature saying that I am apart of them. I hope they threw it away. Or, one of their agents probably gave it to the CIA to place in my files. Ha. Anyway, my point being, I got "into" something again, went a little overboard with it, and now politics is just a game to me.

It's been seven years since I've been out of the ED hospital. That time in my life also illustrates my obsessive patterns. I wanted to be thin, and so went to extremes. Now, I can't imagine my life without nourishment. That sounds a little silly, but sometimes I wonder if EDs are simply obseesive thinking.

And then there are the people in my life. If I have conflict with anyone, I will think about it until my brain wants to explode into pieces. THis is probably why I avoid any conflict - I don't want it to take up my limited brain space.

And then there is dancing. Once I start dancing, I don't want to stop. This isn't a bad thing at all, just a point in case. This is with working out my hot body too. I have to do it everyday if I get into the habit.

I don't know what the future holds for me. My mind is going a million miles a minute, and I don't think it's ever going to shut the fuck up. But when I am truthful with myself, I know that I like the way I think, even if it is obsessive. It might not sound fun to the average person, but it makes me who I am.

Ok, enough about me. Let's talk about me. Ha.

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