Monday, May 14, 2007

Mind and Body

I've been philosophizing about the connect/disconnect between my mind and body:

I've noticed it more and more everyday, especially when I feel attracted to someone. If I feel emotionally and intellectually attracted to someone, I tend to shy away from any body contact. And when I am really physically attracted to another, I close down emotionally and intellectually. In my last relationship, we had a very strong sexual connection, and once it started getting serious, I chose to not show myself to him.

This also is apparent in my struggles with eating disorders. For years, I was recovering from both anorexia and bulimia. I turned myself inside out - I was trying to control what was going on in my head by transforming my body into something unattainable.

I've been taking the anti-depressant Zoloft. And though my depression has subsided a bit, my body has taken on new challenges: I can't achieve orgasm, my stomach is upset all the time, and I don't eat as much as I used to. With one drink of alcohol, I feel very giddy and silly. I realize Zoloft isn't "natural" and often wonder if it's setting me up for long term problems, both physically and mentally speaking. It is altering the chemicals in my brain, so that is a physical side effect, but those chemical changes are also supposed to make me "feel better." There, I can connect the two and see how they work together. Which brings me to see that I do other things physically that help me mentally:

*I dance to forget
*I drink to forget
*I work out to decrease my anxiety
*I put on make-up to feel good about myself
*I call people who care too much about their physical appearance "shallow." The definition of shallowness I am speaking of is: Lacking depth of intellect, emotion, or knowledge.
*We sleep to function and think
*My blood boils when I'm angry
*My heart sinks when I'm sad
*I feel like I will vomit when I see someone I don't want to see
*I laugh when I'm happy
*I smile when I adore something/someone
*We hug and kiss to show our love to friends and family
*We fuck to let our partner know we love them
*We fuck because we are lonely
*When someone betrays us, we get physically sick
*We view beauty as physical, rather than mental.
And so on.

I've always thought the mind and body rely on one another - if you're not healthy in one aspect, you most likely won't be healthy in the other. It certainly baffles my mind when I analyze the connect/disconnect of the mind and body, and perhaps the soul. Maybe with interpersonal relationships there is a disconnect, and with myself there is a connection. That intrigues me. And also scares the wits out of me.

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